Cursed Lost Souls
Thursday, August 9, 2007
And I'm alone now
I can't see your star.
I can't see your star.
Though I patiently waited, bedside, for the death of today.
I can't see your star.
The mechanical lights of Lisbon frightened it away.
And I'm alone now,
Me and all I stood for.
We're wandering now.
All in parts and pieces, swim lonely, find your own way out.
I can't see your star.
I can't see your star.
How can the darkness feel so wrong?
And I'm alone now,
Me and all I stood for.
We're wandering now.
All in parts and pieces, swim lonely, find your own way out.
So far away.
It's growing colder without your love.
Why can't you feel me calling your name?
Can't break the silence,
It's breaking me.
All my fears turn to rage.
And I'm alone now, me
And all I stood for.
We're wandering now.
All in parts and pieces, swim lonely, find your own way out.
Now, I have nothing worth fighting for.
We're wandering now
All in parts and pieces, swim lonely,
find your own way out
Monday, August 6, 2007
The Loneliness Curse
And that's the first Curse which has been chasin me for ovre 5 year or may be 6 i dont know.
anyways, umm gettin back to high school?
ok! .... hi school, my first year was theat year i can consider it the fisrt time to go to the wider world. since, that place i used to live in is so closed community with so much common things all families lived there used to have.
And there i used to be the nice boy" 3ali ebn el nas el kwayeseen" and guys there used to treat me like someone knows nothing, so i couldn't get so much friends actually i got none may be some collegues liked me, but not friends at all, and me and those bunch of guys there who came from the same place and of course the same back ground stuck to eachother as we used to be and we moved to that school at our lil community.
and there am still the nice polite boy, laughin all the time but he's always at the safe side never tries anything of those hi school guys used to do,
never involved in a fight, never don anything at all.
and still we're those bunch of guys who used to live in the same building doin everything together. and i swtarted feeling lonely at that moment i get some ideas ppl find it weird somethings i like to read and talk about ppl around find it weird.
The third year, it was the start of my real loneliness since my thoughts are gettin stronger and i had to shup up for one year and yeah i was in da school among my collegeues and outta the school we're still together but i have that feeling that hey am not belonging here. College, of course it's the place that every hgh school student dreams about and me too used to be the same and at the first day ,
heey welcome to another weird community so huge with so many different kinds of people, clowns, strict asses, and those livin it so weirdly or taht how i used to say it and after a month i refused the soceity so am still stuck to my loneliness and those guys we went together to the same college from the old lil community, and about those guys me turned to mr. thinker and not only the nice boy but nice complicated desperate guy.
and i wasn't the one they think i am but i couldn't share them what i think and what those things i have inside. so, i escaped to the internet, i already used to had some online friends but at that moment it turned to be my life, all ma close and those ppl i can share everything with are online and i started gettin them into ma real life and those other ones are just ppl i waste ma time with, and the loneliness was growin so fast faster than i ever thought and it met my hunter curse in the middle of the way and my loneliness turned to a curse and curse followin me everywhere and whenever get a moment alone it starts knockin ma head so hard and when i try to put maself among ppl or into something to stop that harrassin sound it get so much stronger and stronger and the only thing i can do is to go and set by self and let it takes over me. and till now even when am with ma closest friend who supposes to be the one to get me outta that loneliness and the blue mood he couldn't one person just can do it but our meetings just for couple of hours like twice a week or sth, and the curse sounds stop just with her arrivin and get back right after leavin her.
but, is that enough?!! ...it isn't at all, the only friend u need u can't find her when u need her.
so here i am a good helpless prey for my hunter THE LONELINESS CURSE.
anyways, umm gettin back to high school?
ok! .... hi school, my first year was theat year i can consider it the fisrt time to go to the wider world. since, that place i used to live in is so closed community with so much common things all families lived there used to have.
And there i used to be the nice boy" 3ali ebn el nas el kwayeseen" and guys there used to treat me like someone knows nothing, so i couldn't get so much friends actually i got none may be some collegues liked me, but not friends at all, and me and those bunch of guys there who came from the same place and of course the same back ground stuck to eachother as we used to be and we moved to that school at our lil community.
and there am still the nice polite boy, laughin all the time but he's always at the safe side never tries anything of those hi school guys used to do,
never involved in a fight, never don anything at all.
and still we're those bunch of guys who used to live in the same building doin everything together. and i swtarted feeling lonely at that moment i get some ideas ppl find it weird somethings i like to read and talk about ppl around find it weird.
The third year, it was the start of my real loneliness since my thoughts are gettin stronger and i had to shup up for one year and yeah i was in da school among my collegeues and outta the school we're still together but i have that feeling that hey am not belonging here. College, of course it's the place that every hgh school student dreams about and me too used to be the same and at the first day ,
heey welcome to another weird community so huge with so many different kinds of people, clowns, strict asses, and those livin it so weirdly or taht how i used to say it and after a month i refused the soceity so am still stuck to my loneliness and those guys we went together to the same college from the old lil community, and about those guys me turned to mr. thinker and not only the nice boy but nice complicated desperate guy.
and i wasn't the one they think i am but i couldn't share them what i think and what those things i have inside. so, i escaped to the internet, i already used to had some online friends but at that moment it turned to be my life, all ma close and those ppl i can share everything with are online and i started gettin them into ma real life and those other ones are just ppl i waste ma time with, and the loneliness was growin so fast faster than i ever thought and it met my hunter curse in the middle of the way and my loneliness turned to a curse and curse followin me everywhere and whenever get a moment alone it starts knockin ma head so hard and when i try to put maself among ppl or into something to stop that harrassin sound it get so much stronger and stronger and the only thing i can do is to go and set by self and let it takes over me. and till now even when am with ma closest friend who supposes to be the one to get me outta that loneliness and the blue mood he couldn't one person just can do it but our meetings just for couple of hours like twice a week or sth, and the curse sounds stop just with her arrivin and get back right after leavin her.
but, is that enough?!! ...it isn't at all, the only friend u need u can't find her when u need her.
so here i am a good helpless prey for my hunter THE LONELINESS CURSE.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
On being alone
Today was a loooooong day
never truly realized how lonely i'm until the past couple of days.
specially today
there is a quote that i truly love
i was surrounded by ppl .. ppl who are close to me yet i was alone.. standing there .. smiling .. looking at the crowd ..alone like a palm in the middle of the desert except i'm not that tall :)
i dunno how to describe this state properly , but it hurts.
One person who i see once or twice a year told me tody " ana mesh fahem enta eah kefak fel we7da yabny" .. i tried to explain to him that i don't enjoy it , i just can't help it.
i feel like an empty hollow .. a picture of a person .. it's there watching , but nobody care to even look at it.
One brightened up my day a little .. it's this
never truly realized how lonely i'm until the past couple of days.
specially today
there is a quote that i truly love
"I never thought there could be anything worse than being all alone in the night. But there is: being all alone in a crowd."i can't tell you how correct this words are
There all the honour lies - Sheridan & Delenn
i was surrounded by ppl .. ppl who are close to me yet i was alone.. standing there .. smiling .. looking at the crowd ..alone like a palm in the middle of the desert except i'm not that tall :)
i dunno how to describe this state properly , but it hurts.
One person who i see once or twice a year told me tody " ana mesh fahem enta eah kefak fel we7da yabny" .. i tried to explain to him that i don't enjoy it , i just can't help it.
i feel like an empty hollow .. a picture of a person .. it's there watching , but nobody care to even look at it.
One brightened up my day a little .. it's this
The Curse
And that's how i realized the CURSE.
at the begining i usd to think that am just unfortionate guy and the destiny just standin against me, and by time and years, i realized i'm CURSED. And that Curse gettin stronger by years as if it is growing up with me.
everytime i tried to know what exactly that curse is, i get lost and lose ma sense too. and at the very moment, when am all down, depressed, desperate and frustrated THE CURSE is stronger than ever, and taking over everything in ma life. I Just Feel that me Cursed Soul Died and left me Hollow and that emptiness inside me is taking over everything and fillin my world with an endless dark emptiness and am totally LOST in it.
and i got to the point that makes me feel that I am
an Empty Hollow movin body with a CURSED DEAD LOST SOUL!!!!!!!!
at the begining i usd to think that am just unfortionate guy and the destiny just standin against me, and by time and years, i realized i'm CURSED. And that Curse gettin stronger by years as if it is growing up with me.
everytime i tried to know what exactly that curse is, i get lost and lose ma sense too. and at the very moment, when am all down, depressed, desperate and frustrated THE CURSE is stronger than ever, and taking over everything in ma life. I Just Feel that me Cursed Soul Died and left me Hollow and that emptiness inside me is taking over everything and fillin my world with an endless dark emptiness and am totally LOST in it.
and i got to the point that makes me feel that I am
an Empty Hollow movin body with a CURSED DEAD LOST SOUL!!!!!!!!
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Good ,evil or something in between
the purpose of every human action is to achieve a goal.
this goal once achieved satisfy a need and cause a feeling of happiness.
so every thing we do in life we do it just to feel happy.
all my life i was a good boy ..at least i tried to.
but where did that got me?
i'm a good boy..
every body loves me..
Good for me.. yuppeee
WRONG
every body WHO GET TO KNOW ME loves me .. yes
but am i happy?
is it really good for me?
according to facts the answer is .. NO
i'm not happy .
so apparently being good and loved as a good guy isn't good enough.
so how about being evil
act like a bad guy.. do what bad guys do .. will this be good enough??
i doubt it
BUT
being good or evil is just way better than being neutral ,being not good nor bad.
something like being a spectator in life, watching people do every thing they want without doing anything at all yourself.
so if good is not good :)
and bad is also not good
and neutral is even worse
so what is the answer?
what should i do?
i'm not happy about where i stand in life i know that ..
what i don't know is how to change that .. i hope i'll know
someday before it's too late
Labels: confusion, depression, life crap
Monday, July 30, 2007
Emptiness
- Our greatest pretenses are built up not to hide the evil and the ugly in us, but our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there.
